I’ve heard of diets making all sorts of ridiculous claims, but a diet that promises to bring easier, more frequent orgasms? Now, that’s a first.

Now, I like orgasms as much as the next person… provided the next person isn’t ex-governor Spitzer. Not that I’m a candidate for sex addiction treatment, mind you. But who wouldn’t want to get their rocks off more reliably and with less effort, right?

That’s exactly what The Orgasmic Diet promises you’ll enjoy while eating some pretty yummy-sounding foods.

Of course, there are few catches:

• You’ll be eating low carbs because they’re ‘orgasm killers’.
• Expect to take nasty-smelling fish oil capsules in large quantities, too.
• Plan to perform regular Kegel exercises.
• You’ll also need to work on your “feel good” chemicals, serotonin and dopamine, which are also associated with blood flow to the genitals. (No, the author’s not suggesting illegal substances to spike those babies up, either.)
• Coffee or other forms of caffeine are prohibited.

It’s that last bit that got me. There’s no way I’m giving up my morning coffee or afternoon tea. That just puts the die into dieting, at which point better orgasms are pretty much irrelevant, aren’t they?

Oh, sure, it’s only 6°F outside my window right now, but I can sense that Spring is in the air.

How can I be so sure? All I need to do is glance at the huge amount of diet-related email hitting my InBox that promise things like: “Eat all you want and lose 10 lbs. in 5 days !” (which, it turns out, is possible if you eat nothing but air) or “Lose weight while you sleep” (the first requirement for which involves consuming nothing but celery and water when you’re awake).

So naturally I’m a bit skeptical of the email I received from Prevention magazine promising that I can eat chocolate and still lose weight.

How? The diet essentially seeks to affect cortisol production.

Chronic stress produces cortisol which, in turn, interferes with dopamine and serotonin levels. These are known as the “feel-good” neurotransmitters, but since chronic stress keeps people from processing them correctly their brains demand something else to help them feel good. Some people turn to illicit drugs, others to alcohol and still others to food, especially sugary or fatty foods.

So, according to the article, regularly consuming foods rich in mono-unsaturated fatty acids (MUFAS) and stress relief can speed fat loss because the MUFAs deliver pleasure-producing fats, thereby shutting down cycle of cortisol production and pleasure-seeking that leads to overeating.

Sounds great, right? Who wouldn’t like a diet that encourages you to eat oils, nuts and seeds, avocados, olives and chocolate?

Of course, it’s not just about adding these foods to what you’re already eating. The program involves eating four times a day, 400 calories per meal, with each meal containing a specific amount of one of the MUFAs. There’s also a 4-day “jumpstart” during which you drink what they call “Sassy Water” (water with lemon and ginger) and smoothies four times a day. After that, it’s a 1,600 calorie a day plan.

But does it work? The Rachel Ray show recently aired an episode featuring women who dropped significant amounts of weight in as little as 30 days, simply by following the program. Mary Anne Sheshock followed the diet and told ABC’s Good Morning America that she lost 47 pounds in 5 months.

That all sounds good to me, but I know darned well I fall off of diets rather quickly if they don’t produce results. I need motivation, and ordinarily I look to my scale for that. But then I tried the flat belly virtual belly flattener to see what I’d look like after losing 5, 10, 15 or even 20 pounds.

No, I won’t share the photo with you but I will say that I’m giving serious thought to buying their book which comes with a free 3-month online program, too.

Yeah, I looked that good.

According to Brian Wansink, author of “MIndless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think” ($16.50 from Amazon), people make around 250 food choices per day. They can be as obvious as skim milk or non-fat, or as inconspicuous as whether to drink juice from a short, wide glass (more) or tall, narrow glass (less).

A summary of Brian’s best tips can help save hundreds of calories per day:

1. Stock up smart. Buying bulk packaging at discount stores leads to eating 48% more. Forty-eight percent!

2. Keep it short and pace yourself. The more people you eat with, the longer you’re at the table and, most likely, still eating. To lose weight, eat with the smallest group possible and keep pace with the pickiest eater. You’ll save calories AND time.

3. Out of sight, out of mind. Put your food on your plate in the kitchen. You’ll eat around 14% less than if the food’s sitting on the table in front of you.

4. Beat the buffet. Limit your plate to two items at a time. Even with multiple trips, you’ll still wind up eating less.

5. Turn it off and tune in. Don’t watch TV while eating. Entertainment “mutes” the signal that’s supposed to tell you when you’ve had enough, and besides, your brain won’t really register that you’ve actually had a meal.

6. Know the why and wherefore. Watch out for emotional eating: don’t have a Ho-Ho when what you really want is a hug.

Over the years I’ve tried a number of diets. I did Atkins (and bought the cookbook. I did South Beach (and bought that cookbook, too). I ate Raw Foods and I stuffed myself silly with Volumetrics. Although mathematically challenged, I even counted points with Weight Watchers, and I starved on Jenny Craig’s crap.

Why? Well, it wasn’t just to fit in a smaller pair of jeans, although I’d most certainly like to do so. It was because each and every one of these diets touted itself as a way to lose weight. Sooner or later, I figured I’d find one that fit with my lifestyle, one I could stick with, and then I’d finally see the pounds start to come off. Right? Right?

Well, maybe not, doctors now say.

A new report claims all diets have just about the same result and none of them are great. According to the Annals of Internal Medicine, a diet helps people lose roughly 6 percent of their weight. That’s about 6 to 10 pounds, which most people eventually put back on.

The results are disappointing for those who hoped a gentler approach to dieting might be more effective over the long term.

Programs that had people eating fewer calories worked better. So did those involving frequent visits to either diet groups or a counselors office.

Six to ten pounds, huh? I have a feeling that were I to convert into pennies all of the money spent on books about diets and diet-related cookbooks, that’s roughly what I did, in fact, lose.

To make matters worse, the study’s grand conclusion is that “eating fewer calories leads to weight loss.” Heck, even Chubby Mommy could have told them as much, and I don’t have an M.D. I wonder how much money they made in the form of grants to come up with such an unsurprising conclusion.

I want my money back. And I want a piece of cake, dammit.