At my husband’s request, I’m not going to be trying that Cabbage Soup diet until the weather warms up. He’s got a point: being cooped up in the house with the smell of cooked cabbage (and the GI symptoms that can produce) is pretty much anyone’s idea of hell. Which means I either need to look into hotel deals or wait and, well, I’m quite skilled at postponing anything diet-related.

Then, yesterday afternoon one commercial after another came on TV pitching Alli diet pills as the cure to all diet problems, which made it really difficult to enjoy the jalapeño and bacon cheeseburger my husband made for our lunch. But it did remind me that I’d had a little success with Alli over the summer, so why not give it another try?

After all, I have everything I need already to get started: a spare bottle of pills and six brand-new pairs of dark-colored sweat pants thanks to a sale at Wal-Mart. Anyone who’s taken Alli in the past knows that dark-colored pants are absolutely essential to dealing with the possible “unwanted treatment effects” including bowel changes.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

If you wear underwear, that is.

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I’m starting on Alli again today, thanks to a friend who found out the hard way that she’s just not capable of cutting her fat intake back to the 30 grams or less required to avoid the “unwanted treatment effects”. Her loss (and lack thereof) is my gain since she gave me the rest of her bottle for free.

Meanwhile, Amazon is running a one-day special on Alli 90 capsule starter pack (a 60 day supply) for $41.99 instead of the usual $59.99.

That deal expires at midnight, though.

A little over a month ago, I started taking Alli as part of my effort to lose weight. Here it is, 33 days later and my 30-day supply is out. By that you can probably figure out that I didn’t take it every single meal on every single day: I skipped taking the pill when I knew I’d be eating something high in fat.

As a result, I didn’t experience the “unwanted treatment effects” that frighten so many folks from trying the pill. (Well, with the exception of one night when I turned over cooking duties to my husband, who’s ignorant of what constitutes “dietary fat.”)

That’s the key — and I can’t emphasize the point strongly enough: if you want to avoid the ick factor while taking that pill, don’t eat more than 15-17 grams of fat per meal. Period.

And the weight loss? Oh, it was wonderful at first: seven pounds lost in two weeks. Who wouldn’t like that? The last time I lost weght this fast I was taking Miracle burn, but I’m a bit too cautious with my health these days to dabble with thermogenic supplements now.

Since that seven pound loss… nothing. Not one more pound. Not. One.

Even so, I don’t feel like Alli failed me. In fact, I give it credit for doing something I hadn’t been able to do myself prior to taking it: I’ve learned to eat low fat simply out of fear of those “treatment effects”. After a month of eating that way, I feel physically better than I have in years.

I have more energy, my skin is clearer, I sleep better at night and I’m not sluggish and tired by 4 p.m. anymore. Yes, some of that may also be due to exercising a bit more regularly these days, but I have no doubt the dietary change has also helped.

Now, although I’d love to have lost a bit more weight by this point, I know seven pounds in a month is a respectable loss. I’m happy with it. I really am, although I’d secretly hoped for a “miracle” in that little pill… some magical alchemy that peeled off 20 pounds with no real effort from me. Some near-instantaneous fix.

But perhaps I did get one, at least in part: I’ve made a switch to a far more healthy way of eating, and I’ve had a chance to realize how much good that does my body. I doubt I’ll buy any more Alli — though I won’t rule it out — but now I know how to eat right for my own sake, and not merely to avoid the “ick factor.”

Monday marked the end of my first two-weeks on Alli, the weight loss pill that’s causing such an uproar all over the blogosphere. (Mainly, I might add, by those who have not yet tried it.)

In that time, I’ve skipped taking my Alli on four separate occasions. I either forgot — since I’m not good at remembering such things — or consciously opted out because I knew I was about to eat a more fatty meal than I should. I am, after all, a big believer in “diet-free days” since they short-circuit that whole deprivation-binge-guilt cycle for me.

As far as “unwanted treatment effects” go, I’ve told you about those: having learned not to let my husband cook, I haven’t experienced any other problems at all. Not one.

I’ve been eating Egg Beaters and/or toast and fruit for breakfast, along with Lean Cuisines and a small salad for lunch. For the first two weeks I’d also been eating the same dinner I cook for my family: I’ve just made sure those have been low-fat as well. Now, however, I’m sticking with prepackaged, frozen diet meals and a double-dose of steamed veggies for dinner. They’re more convenient, and I don’t have to endure the temptation to nibble while cooking.

And, yes, I’ve cheated on my diet several times. Since Alli has a 2-hour half-life, it’s out of my system before bedtime… my most dangerous snacking time of all. Those tortilla chips topped with melted cheddar and jalapeños were the best tasting thing I had all week, but they also ensured that the following morning was the first day I didn’t see any weight loss at all.

Total pounds lost so far: seven. That’s right: seven relatively effortless pounds.

This week I’ll be drinking even more water with lemon in it (for the additional health benefits). I’ve also begun exercising again, not because I like it — I most assuredly do not, and it bores me — but because even with Alli it all boils down to calories in and calories out.

I’ve set a goal to lose 10 more pounds in the month while my husband’s away on business. As a reward, I’m planning on a little trip to Victoria’s Secret. By then, I figure, I might just be able to buy a lace bra that doesn’t look like something my grandma would wear.

It can strike any time — even in the early hours of the morning. One user writes: “(Y)a know how when you start moving around in the morning ya pass a little gas. Well, I did and then went into the bathroom and to my horror I had an orange river of grease running down my leg.”

Fellow cheaters advise each other on the best clean-up methods, and some even suggest using panty liners or Depends. One frugal user noted, “I’m thinking that infant diapers might be a cheaper way to go, just use them as a large pad.”

The gross side effects might scare away the less-committed, but some experts appreciate Alli’s very real, very immediate consequences of cheating on your diet.

“It forces you to eat a lower-fat diet — if you don’t, you’re violently penalized for not doing so,” says David Sarwer, the director of clinical services at the Center for Weight Loss and Eating Disorders at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. “When they eat a little too much fat, they’ll learn not to do it again.”

“It,” of course, refers to the dreaded “unwanted treatment effects” of Alli — those nasty incidents that keep users honest. Or, at least, should do so in theory.

Having had one night enduring Alli’s “unwanted treatment effects,” I am definitely not putting my food preparation in someone else’s hands. Not at home, and not at a restaurant. Commercial food, after all, is loaded with fat, even when the menu makes it sound otherwise. So much so that even trained dietitians underestimate calorie content by 37 percent and fat content by 49 percent. And they’re the folks who analyze food for a living!

If they can’t get it right, what hope does a mere Chubby Mommy have?

Fortunately, this will work quite well for me over the next month while my husband is out of town on business. I can go back to “eating like a girl” — oatmeal or bran cereal for breakfast, salad for lunch, Lean Cuisine for dinner — without the yummy smell of “Man Food” tempting me.

And, sure, such a low-fat, low-calorie diet means I could stop taking Alli and still lose weight this next month. But why when taking a pill blocks half of that fat and doubles weight loss? Besides, knowing that any dietary cheating on my part might bring on that orange river of grease running down my leg is enough incentive to make me consider a Lean Cuisine a “real meal.”

Let us just say, to put things delicately, that whilst taking Alli it is not a good idea to let one’s husband do the cooking. Oh, I told him not to use butter. I told him not to use olive oil. I pointed to the veggie drawer and the ground turkey I’d defrosted, along with my shelf full of cookbooks.

I figured, hey, if he’s offering to cook dinner on a night when I had nothing planned, I’d be foolish not to take him up on it. Besides, his pending business trip means I better take advantage of opportunities to be pampered now, right?

He brought down a lovely looking plate filled with steamed green beans, mashed cauliflower and a casserole-type thing. Beans, cauliflower, turkey — all low fat, right?

Not when the turkey is browned in Wesson oil — the one thing I’d neglected to specifically rule out. Or when he’s added cream to the mashed cauliflower and Italian dressing to the green beans.

I woke him in the middle of the night complaining about Alli’s “unwanted treatment effects.” I knew I’d been good all day long, so only his dinner could be to blame.

“But there’s nothing in there that’s over 15 grams of fat,” he protested.

“That’s 15 grams total, with all the foods combined,” I explained.

“Oh. Say, how come you’re wearing different pajamas than when we went to bed?” he replied. I did not tell him.

But, let me just tell you this much: I will never, ever again look at greasy tacos without getting sick to my stomach.

Thanks to rain storms last night our 4th of July BBQ did not happen as planned. My husband had intended to smoke a brisket (for him) and a fillet of salmon (for me). The weather changed all that, along with my general laziness.

Around 7 p.m., we decided to simply order a pizza. Oh, I’d made a lovely salad to go along with my salmon, but once that pizza arrived the tossed greens with a balsamic dressing didn’t look nearly as good. Unfortunately, I’d already taken my Alli. Let’s just say that makes for a bad combination.

No, I didn’t have to rush to the bathroom nor even be concerned that I was wearing khaki capris, despite easily exceeding the maximum fat intake many times over. I did, however, find myself getting out of bed repeatedly throughout the night. It’s not an experience I want to repeat, but it is nice to know how my body reacts to the combination of Alli plus way too much fat in a meal.

Next time — and I wouldn’t be a Chubby Mommy if there wasn’t a “next time” for eating too much — I’ll be sure to plan ahead and skip my Alli. A girl’s gotta have her pizza, after all.

I haven’t been too good tracking my “side effects” of taking Alli, mostly because there haven’t been any. None. Nada. Zip.

I’ve been taking Alli for 9 days now. During that time I’ve lost 4 pounds. The only real effort I’ve made, besides remembering to take my pills and a multi-vitamin at bedtime, is watching my fat intake closely.

That’s the trick to avoiding the side effects: don’t eat like you used to. It’s not a magic pill. It doesn’t solve your hunger or speed up your metabolism or vacuum the carpet for you. It simply prevents your body from absorbing up to half the fat of a meal.

It’s the “up to” part that’s important: the more fat you take in, the more Alli will have to block your intestines from absorbing. That excess is doing to be leaving your body the same way the rest of your food does. (Ahem.) In that sense, taking Alli before meals forces you to keep your fat intake down or suffer the embarrassing consequences.

Sure, I could lose weight by eating low fat without taking Alli. But Alli makes it happen twice as fast by blocking half of the low amount of fat that I’m eating. Plus, knowing that I’ve taken that pill makes me decline the butter that my husband and kids put on their vegetables, along with second helpings and dessert.

In that sense, having taken an Alli before a meal is like having a guaranteed shield between me and straying from my diet. Which is just the type of ally I need in this thing.

I’m on Day 5 of Alli, and still without the “unwanted treatment effects.” I’ve lost three pounds so far, and must say this has been the easiest weight loss I’ve ever experienced.

Of course, I’m still keeping my fat intake low — with the exception of some nachos late last night. I hadn’t taken an Alli before eating them, though, which is no doubt why such a high-fat food didn’t trigger those nasty side effects.

My diet yesterday:

Breakfast

Eggbeater omelet with diced tomatoes and onions
1 piece light rye toast with “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray
1 apple, sliced
8 oz. buttermilk

Lunch

1 can tuna in water, drained and mixed with:

- 2 tbsp. reduced fat Hellman’s
- 1 stalk celery, diced
- 1/2 tomato, seeded and diced
- 2 green onions, chopped finely
- 1 tsp. yellow mustard
- salt substitute and pepper to taste

Served on 6 saltine crackers

Snack

1 c. diced Cassava melon
1/2 c. low-fat cottage cheese

Dinner

3 oz. pork loin roast seasoned with garlic and rosemary
1 baked potato
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray
1/2 c. steamed greens with shallots
Splash of balsamic vinegar for seasoning
1 slice watermelon

Late Night Boo-Boo
12 Tostito chips topped with
2 oz. shredded cheddar
2 tbsp. sliced jalapenos
2 green onions, chopped

What I had this morning, after taking my Alli pill:

2 slices rye bread, toasted (Calories: 164. Fat grams: 2.2)
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray, about 12 sprays (Calories: 5. Fat grams: 1)
1 cup diced cantaloupe (Calories: 54. Fat grams: 0)
8 oz. low-fat buttermilk (Calories: 98. Fat grams: 2)
Coffee, black (Calories: 0. Fat grams: 0)

Total calories: 321
Total fat: 5.2 grams