Then, yesterday afternoon one commercial after another came on TV pitching Alli diet pills as the cure to all diet problems, which made it really difficult to enjoy the jalapeño and bacon cheeseburger my husband made for our lunch. But it did remind me that I’d had a little success with Alli over the summer, so why not give it another try?

After all, I have everything I need already to get started: a spare bottle of pills and six brand-new pairs of dark-colored sweat pants thanks to a sale at Wal-Mart. Anyone who’s taken Alli in the past knows that dark-colored pants are absolutely essential to dealing with the possible “unwanted treatment effects” including bowel changes.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

If you wear underwear, that is.

If you happen to have grown so fat that the waistband of your silky leopard print binkins can no longer be seen beneath the hanging flap of your lower abdomen, well, you might very well choose not to bother with the panties, anyway. That means dark pants in absorbent fabrics are even more essential.

So, what the heck, I figured. My husband and son were planning to be gone for the rest of the day, and after polishing off my son’s fries along with my hamburger I couldn’t imagine eating anything for dinner. Well, maybe just a little soup and some crackers… with cheese… if I got hungry. But certainly not the chili and chicken tamales I’d planned to make for dinner.

Now, while the makers of Alli seem to go to great lengths to remind users to take their pill with each meal, and to warn that consuming more than 15 grams of fat during the meal will result in those “unwanted treatment effects”, what they don’t tell you is that a pill taken at 4 p.m. will still cause the grease from the burger you ate at 11 a.m. to come blowing out your ass at unexpected moments.

(Which, incidentally, is precisely why you need those dark colored sweatpants. Or a baking sheet to sit on and some gullible old woman who’ll proclaim it as a religious miracle.)

Oh, I know, I know: how gross is that? But, look, I happen to be a rather smart person — certainly smarter than Pavlov’s dogs — it only took one change of pants before I realized it might behoove me to move a TV tray and my laptop into the bathroom for the next hour or two.

But if you think that was gross then you should just stop reading now, because you don’t want to hear how very awesome it can make a fat girl feel to see all those drops of taco grease-like blobs of fat swimming around in the toilet rather than sticking around to lodge permanently on her ass and thighs.

So, fine, I’m gross. But I also got to enjoy that jalapeño and bacon cheeseburger for half the fat calories, so there. Besides, it’s not like I popped a pill dipped in 24-k gold and filled with gold leaf and then went mining in my toilet.

Sheesh.

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Of Alli and My Ass

Meanwhile, Amazon is running a one-day special on Alli 90 capsule starter pack (a 60 day supply) for $41.99 instead of the usual $59.99.

That deal expires at midnight, though.

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On Alli Again

As a result, I didn’t experience the “unwanted treatment effects” that frighten so many folks from trying the pill. (Well, with the exception of one night when I turned over cooking duties to my husband, who’s ignorant of what constitutes “dietary fat.”)

That’s the key — and I can’t emphasize the point strongly enough: if you want to avoid the ick factor while taking that pill, don’t eat more than 15-17 grams of fat per meal. Period.

And the weight loss? Oh, it was wonderful at first: seven pounds lost in two weeks. Who wouldn’t like that? The last time I lost weght this fast I was taking Miracle burn, but I’m a bit too cautious with my health these days to dabble with thermogenic supplements now.

Since that seven pound loss… nothing. Not one more pound. Not. One.

Even so, I don’t feel like Alli failed me. In fact, I give it credit for doing something I hadn’t been able to do myself prior to taking it: I’ve learned to eat low fat simply out of fear of those “treatment effects”. After a month of eating that way, I feel physically better than I have in years.

I have more energy, my skin is clearer, I sleep better at night and I’m not sluggish and tired by 4 p.m. anymore. Yes, some of that may also be due to exercising a bit more regularly these days, but I have no doubt the dietary change has also helped.

Now, although I’d love to have lost a bit more weight by this point, I know seven pounds in a month is a respectable loss. I’m happy with it. I really am, although I’d secretly hoped for a “miracle” in that little pill… some magical alchemy that peeled off 20 pounds with no real effort from me. Some near-instantaneous fix.

But perhaps I did get one, at least in part: I’ve made a switch to a far more healthy way of eating, and I’ve had a chance to realize how much good that does my body. I doubt I’ll buy any more Alli — though I won’t rule it out — but now I know how to eat right for my own sake, and not merely to avoid the “ick factor.”

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All Out of Alli

In that time, I’ve skipped taking my Alli on four separate occasions. I either forgot — since I’m not good at remembering such things — or consciously opted out because I knew I was about to eat a more fatty meal than I should. I am, after all, a big believer in “diet-free days” since they short-circuit that whole deprivation-binge-guilt cycle for me.

As far as “unwanted treatment effects” go, I’ve told you about those: having learned not to let my husband cook, I haven’t experienced any other problems at all. Not one.

I’ve been eating Egg Beaters and/or toast and fruit for breakfast, along with Lean Cuisines and a small salad for lunch. For the first two weeks I’d also been eating the same dinner I cook for my family: I’ve just made sure those have been low-fat as well. Now, however, I’m sticking with prepackaged, frozen diet meals and a double-dose of steamed veggies for dinner. They’re more convenient, and I don’t have to endure the temptation to nibble while cooking.

And, yes, I’ve cheated on my diet several times. Since Alli has a 2-hour half-life, it’s out of my system before bedtime… my most dangerous snacking time of all. Those tortilla chips topped with melted cheddar and jalapeños were the best tasting thing I had all week, but they also ensured that the following morning was the first day I didn’t see any weight loss at all.

Total pounds lost so far: seven. That’s right: seven relatively effortless pounds.

This week I’ll be drinking even more water with lemon in it (for the additional health benefits). I’ve also begun exercising again, not because I like it — I most assuredly do not, and it bores me — but because even with Alli it all boils down to calories in and calories out.

I’ve set a goal to lose 10 more pounds in the month while my husband’s away on business. As a reward, I’m planning on a little trip to Victoria’s Secret. By then, I figure, I might just be able to buy a lace bra that doesn’t look like something my grandma would wear.

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Two Weeks On Alli

I figured, hey, if he’s offering to cook dinner on a night when I had nothing planned, I’d be foolish not to take him up on it. Besides, his pending business trip means I better take advantage of opportunities to be pampered now, right?

He brought down a lovely looking plate filled with steamed green beans, mashed cauliflower and a casserole-type thing. Beans, cauliflower, turkey — all low fat, right?

Not when the turkey is browned in Wesson oil — the one thing I’d neglected to specifically rule out. Or when he’s added cream to the mashed cauliflower and Italian dressing to the green beans.

I woke him in the middle of the night complaining about Alli’s “unwanted treatment effects.” I knew I’d been good all day long, so only his dinner could be to blame.

“But there’s nothing in there that’s over 15 grams of fat,” he protested.

“That’s 15 grams total, with all the foods combined,” I explained.

“Oh. Say, how come you’re wearing different pajamas than when we went to bed?” he replied. I did not tell him.

But, let me just tell you this much: I will never, ever again look at greasy tacos without getting sick to my stomach.

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File This Under TMI

Around 7 p.m., we decided to simply order a pizza. Oh, I’d made a lovely salad to go along with my salmon, but once that pizza arrived the tossed greens with a balsamic dressing didn’t look nearly as good. Unfortunately, I’d already taken my Alli. Let’s just say that makes for a bad combination.

No, I didn’t have to rush to the bathroom nor even be concerned that I was wearing khaki capris, despite easily exceeding the maximum fat intake many times over. I did, however, find myself getting out of bed repeatedly throughout the night. It’s not an experience I want to repeat, but it is nice to know how my body reacts to the combination of Alli plus way too much fat in a meal.

Next time — and I wouldn’t be a Chubby Mommy if there wasn’t a “next time” for eating too much — I’ll be sure to plan ahead and skip my Alli. A girl’s gotta have her pizza, after all.

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Pizza + Alli = Bad

I’ve been taking Alli for 9 days now. During that time I’ve lost 4 pounds. The only real effort I’ve made, besides remembering to take my pills and a multi-vitamin at bedtime, is watching my fat intake closely.

That’s the trick to avoiding the side effects: don’t eat like you used to. It’s not a magic pill. It doesn’t solve your hunger or speed up your metabolism or vacuum the carpet for you. It simply prevents your body from absorbing up to half the fat of a meal.

It’s the “up to” part that’s important: the more fat you take in, the more Alli will have to block your intestines from absorbing. That excess is doing to be leaving your body the same way the rest of your food does. (Ahem.) In that sense, taking Alli before meals forces you to keep your fat intake down or suffer the embarrassing consequences.

Sure, I could lose weight by eating low fat without taking Alli. But Alli makes it happen twice as fast by blocking half of the low amount of fat that I’m eating. Plus, knowing that I’ve taken that pill makes me decline the butter that my husband and kids put on their vegetables, along with second helpings and dessert.

In that sense, having taken an Alli before a meal is like having a guaranteed shield between me and straying from my diet. Which is just the type of ally I need in this thing.

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Alli Day 9

Of course, I’m still keeping my fat intake low — with the exception of some nachos late last night. I hadn’t taken an Alli before eating them, though, which is no doubt why such a high-fat food didn’t trigger those nasty side effects.

My diet yesterday:

Breakfast

Eggbeater omelet with diced tomatoes and onions
1 piece light rye toast with “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray
1 apple, sliced
8 oz. buttermilk

Lunch

1 can tuna in water, drained and mixed with:

- 2 tbsp. reduced fat Hellman’s
- 1 stalk celery, diced
- 1/2 tomato, seeded and diced
- 2 green onions, chopped finely
- 1 tsp. yellow mustard
- salt substitute and pepper to taste

Served on 6 saltine crackers

Snack

1 c. diced Cassava melon
1/2 c. low-fat cottage cheese

Dinner

3 oz. pork loin roast seasoned with garlic and rosemary
1 baked potato
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray
1/2 c. steamed greens with shallots
Splash of balsamic vinegar for seasoning
1 slice watermelon

Late Night Boo-Boo
12 Tostito chips topped with
2 oz. shredded cheddar
2 tbsp. sliced jalapenos
2 green onions, chopped

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All’s Well With Alli

2 slices rye bread, toasted (Calories: 164. Fat grams: 2.2)
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray, about 12 sprays (Calories: 5. Fat grams: 1)
1 cup diced cantaloupe (Calories: 54. Fat grams: 0)
8 oz. low-fat buttermilk (Calories: 98. Fat grams: 2)
Coffee, black (Calories: 0. Fat grams: 0)

Total calories: 321
Total fat: 5.2 grams

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Lowfat Breakfast #1