Being a sort of artsy-fartsy dresser myself, finding clothes that suit my tastes while also flattering my figure has been immensely frustrating. Most clothing manufacturers seem to think that you’ve got no business wearing their clothing if you’re not skinny.

And then there are designers like Vicki Vi who create flattering clothes for women with curves. Vi is among the many designers featured at Bodacious Boutique, an awesome online source of pluz size clothing.

I’m not talking about a clothing store run by some emaciated waif who’ll stand there feeling sorry for you while pretending that, yes, you do look good in that polka-dotted caftan dress. Paula Guthrie, the owner of Bodacious Boutique, is a woman just like us: full-figured and fashionable, too.

With offerings running the gamut from 0x (basically an extra-large) up to 4x — or 14-28 in Women’s — the boutique has you covered from head-to-toe. While most items are priced in the moderate (but not discount) range, their “Deal of the Week” is not to be missed — we’re talking prices so affordable you can buy an entire outfit or two! They even carry plus-sized swimsuits in figure-flattering styles, including the coveted Miraclesuit swimwear line. (I can tell you from personal experience, those suits are aptly named.)

So, ladies, skip the shop that’s trying to convince you to cram your curves into clothes designed for the skinny minis. And don’t you dare start wearing those tent-shaped dresses, either. Next time you want clothes to fit your figure, go to a store founded by a woman who knows all about helping you look bodaciously beautiful. Then sit back and enjoy it when even your svelte friends start asking “Where did you get that gorgeous blouse?”

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Fun and Funky Full-Figure Fashion

Then I had my first child and from that point forward I was more worried about the collapse of my cleavage than about the plummet of my posterior. Those pretty little $5 bras I’d pick up at Wal-Mart? I tossed them in favor of the kind of supportive bra that only an engineer could design: massive straps, ribbing in all the right places, enough metal in the underwire and clasps to set off an airport alarm even when I’m just driving past.

Now, I don’t mind wearing such things if it’ll take care of the ta-ta’s and keep them from hitting me — or anyone else — in the eye when I walk.

But an ass bra? That’s so not happening.

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Your Butt, Only Better

Silly me.

By our third day there I’m sure my in-laws began to wonder why I kept wearing the same pair of shorts day in and day out. It’s just so hard to find shorts that fit in the seat without binding at the waist, or which fit at the waist without bunching up between my legs every time I take a step. So far, despite many trips to the mall, I’ve only found one pair that I like.

Fortunately, I remembered to pack all three of my favorite sunglasses. This prompted no end of teasing from my husband who noted that I have more womens sunglasses than I do shorts. What can I say? Sunglasses are a whole lot easier to buy, especially online, and they make such great fashion accessories I just can’t settle on one pair.

My very favorites are my retro-looking cat’s eye sunglasses. When you’ve got a round face like mine it’s important to balance that out by picking frames with angles. (Angular faced gals, on the other hand, should go for round styles while those of you with oval faces are lucky and can pull off any frame style.) My husband can’t stand them, but then he still likes those 1980s style multi-colored reflective sunglasses that make him look like a fly.

Unfortunately, I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses in the lake and wasn’t about to try diving for them. They’re only $15 after all, which is peanuts compared to the cost of a bathing suit (something else I don’t own). So I wound up spending the rest of the week swapping between my Blues Brother-style black sunglasses and my Chanel-style shield shades. The only problem was that I kept forgetting which pair I was wearing and, while the Raybans work great at holding my hair out of my eyes, the Chanel knockoffs have a fitted nose bridge that kept ripping my bangs out every time I pushed them to the top of my head. And, meanwhile, the two pairs are shaped very differently, something which led to some freakish tan lines on my face.

But all of that pales in comparison to the most important thing about our trip: I made it through a week at the lake in Minnesota without one single mosquito bite. Not one! Maybe the funky shorts chased them away?

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Shorts, Sunglasses and Silly Tan Lines

In other words, I’ll be spending the day surrounded by fifty-six children wearing their Halloween costumes from last year, all of them hyped in eager anticipation of busting open the candy-filled pinata they’ve been making all week. As far as my son is concerned this is the coolest thing ever.

Me? I’m freaking out. Unlike my son, I don’t have a variety of costumes in storage. I don’t have a Superman outfit or a Darth Vader mask and cape in a drawer. I don’t even have a cowboy hat and pair of plastic pistols (not that his camp would allow such things).

Last Halloween I was too sick to bother dressing up and spent most of the evening in bed. The year before? I hadn’t thought to dress up just to stand there passing out candy to sugar-addicted kids until my son insisted that “Mom, you’ve got to do something neat!” So I grabbed a green turtleneck and hot glued an ashtray, a few playing cards and some beer bottle caps on it and declared that I was going as a poker table. He wasn’t amused.

Since I don’t want to embarrass him around his little friends I’ve been looking at Halloween costumes which, let me just tell you, are impossible to find in stores this time of year. That’s okay, though: stores pretty much stock boring costumes designed for skinny women determined to show their inner skank in front of the kiddoes. I’m not about to do that.

The great thing about looking online for costumes is the huge variety are available. Variety in designs, yes, but also in sizes. Who knew they made plus-sized Halloween costumes? They look surprisingly comfortable, too: the Geisha one in particular (which comes with a wig, even) looks like one I could see myself wearing for a more, ah, intimate party of two.

Besides, I’m pretty sure neither my son nor the camp’s organizers would appreciate if I showed up in the Supa Pimp Mama costume, although it is tempting if only to teach them to never, ever look to me to be a Parent Helper again.

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Full-Figured Costumes

On days like this I tend to start thinking about gardening: planting spinach, lettuce, sweet peas and other cool-weather crops. It looks like it would be a good day to do just that, but I know better. I’ve dug in a bit too early for three years in a row now, only to lose my tender plants to a late snowstorm that no one saw coming.

This year, instead of getting ready for Spring by meddling in the garden, I decided I’d do something a little less labor-intensive… like shopping. I’m in dire need of something to wear besides sweatshirts and sweatpants, and the Big-Eyed Boy has grown so much over the winter that his jeans now look like he’s wearing capris.

Unfortunately, despite nearly two hours at the local mall, I still haven’t found anything suitable. It seems that clothing manufacturers figure that all women with bulging bellies are either in the market for maternity clothes or unnaturally drawn to cute cartoon characters.

Oh, there are plenty of roomy muffin-top disguising swing blouses available… in pastels normally suited to a newborn’s nursery. And there are oodles of sweatshirts featuring bunnies and duckies, some even with sequins. I’d rather be shot before wearing something that cutesy.

Which is why I suppose I’m glad this is a false Spring; I have that much more time to shed a bit of belly weight before trying to squeeze into a blouse that doesn’t make me look like I’m ready to give birth any moment.

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Not All Bellies Are The Same

Macy’s, for instance, is offering $25 off of $100 purchases. Combine that with their end-of-summer sale and there’s all sorts of savings to be had. If you’re in the market for new bath and bedding items, they’re offering free shipping, too.

There’s an even better deal over at Chadwick’s. If you buy 2 clearance items you get the 3rd free and you can get a $20 off of a $60 purchase and score a free quilted jacket with any purchase.

I didn’t really need a new jacket this year, but I’m not about to pass by one that’s free. Come to think of it, there’s no rule that says I have to shop for me. I may just order it in my mother-in-law’s size and consider my shopping for her done for the year. Sweet!

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Keeping My Wallet Fat

Not that I haven’t shopped LB’s before. I’ve just done it online where anonymity and electrons protect me from the pitying stares of skinny people walking by with “Pity about her fat ass, because she has such a pretty face” written all over their own.

Until now, though, I’d limited my LB purchases to a handbag, some necklaces and quite possibly the single most comfortable pair of yoga pants I’ve ever worn.

Today, I just couldn’t take it anymore. We’d gone out for sushi, see, and as usual I overindulged in my love of spicy salmon rolls and whatever the sushi chef recommended. (Answer: damn near everything.) We hadn’t even begun window-shopping and already my waistband threatened to cut off circulation to my lower body. Also, it was hot.

Being hot and uncomfortable is never a fun experience for Chubby Mommy. Bad enough to be laboring for breath but also sweating? I might as well be exercising… and we know how much I hate to do that.

So I stepped into the LB Outlet store with the intention of sucking up as much of their air-conditioning as possible before re-joining my husband and son (who were enjoying their skinny selves at Coldstone Creamery with little regard for my misery).

Well, I was there already, why not try on some clothes? In fact, why not try on some jeans and maybe find something a bit less restrictive than the Gap pair shrink-wrapping my body as my sweat dried.

That’s when I found them: the new LB “Right Fit” jeans.

Jeans that actually fit both my ass and my waist… a waist which, it turns out, I actually still have when clad in pants designed to follow curves, not fight them. Jeans — most importantly — that don’t promise all sorts of stretchy material and then look like they’re made out of, well, all sorts of stretchy material. Jeans that are lightweight, perfectly comfortable and actually reveal that my ass does not reside on the back of my knees.

I bought three pairs. Yep, three! Then I slipped back into the dressing room and swapped my Gap crap for one of the new pairs before strutting out, wholly comfortable and quite confident again.

My husband came out of Coldstone licking the last of his Chocolate Devotion off of his lips and said, “Hey, have you lost weight?”

My son said, “Mommy, where’d your Buddha Belly go?”

I have to admit: I felt SO much better about my body, too, even without having slipped on the leopard print “boy short” panties still in my shopping bag.

Best money I’ve spent in a long time. (And, yes, the panties look great, too.)

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Right On, Right Fit!

To ease discomfort experienced by overweight males whose chests, like those of their female counterparts, bounce, wobble and tug during exercise, creators of the “Male Support Vest” (manufactured by bra company Enell) are marketing their “manssiere.”

At a whopping $85 each, the item’s not expected to catch on with mainstream America. After all, there’s quite a bit of stigma attached, what with all those jokes between Kramer and Frank Costanza.

I’m guessing any guy who springs for one will figure out faster than my daughter did, when she finally got her first bra, that the damn things are more pain than they’re worth.

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Help For Man Boobs

Not anymore! This gorgeous satin “Marilyn” dress ($69.99, in various colors) comes in plus-sizes and shows off those curves to advantage. The halter-style top is flattering to any figure, with a plunging neckline that elongates the torso and narrows the waist, and the 3/4 length is flattering to most heights. Arms not in the best shape? No worry: the dress comes with a matching scarf, too. Use it as a shawl, or wear it Audrey Hepburn-style.

Get yours here.

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Show Off Your Curves