Over the years I’ve tried a number of diets. I did Atkins (and bought the cookbook. I did South Beach (and bought that cookbook, too). I ate Raw Foods and I stuffed myself silly with Volumetrics. Although mathematically challenged, I even counted points with Weight Watchers, and I starved on Jenny Craig’s crap.

Why? Well, it wasn’t just to fit in a smaller pair of jeans, although I’d most certainly like to do so. It was because each and every one of these diets touted itself as a way to lose weight. Sooner or later, I figured I’d find one that fit with my lifestyle, one I could stick with, and then I’d finally see the pounds start to come off. Right? Right?

Well, maybe not, doctors now say.

A new report claims all diets have just about the same result and none of them are great. According to the Annals of Internal Medicine, a diet helps people lose roughly 6 percent of their weight. That’s about 6 to 10 pounds, which most people eventually put back on.

The results are disappointing for those who hoped a gentler approach to dieting might be more effective over the long term.

Programs that had people eating fewer calories worked better. So did those involving frequent visits to either diet groups or a counselors office.

Six to ten pounds, huh? I have a feeling that were I to convert into pennies all of the money spent on books about diets and diet-related cookbooks, that’s roughly what I did, in fact, lose.

To make matters worse, the study’s grand conclusion is that “eating fewer calories leads to weight loss.” Heck, even Chubby Mommy could have told them as much, and I don’t have an M.D. I wonder how much money they made in the form of grants to come up with such an unsurprising conclusion.

I want my money back. And I want a piece of cake, dammit.