Although I said I wasn’t going to make a New Year’s Resolution to lose weight (preferring, instead, to simply resolve that I won’t gain any, either), I’ve nevertheless found myself on a diet.

I blame this on the recent discovery that my bathroom mirror is in no way related to my car’s rear view mirror and, thus, objects seen in it really are larger than they appear. Or at least that’s what my jean size seems to be saying.

Still, I refuse to come straight out and say that I’m on a diet. In my house, that announcement prompts loud groans since it’s often followed by a week of bland, tasteless broiled chicken, brown rice and steamed broccoli for dinner then glares and outrage whenever my husband or kids — who cannot stand brown rice or steamed broccoli — find me standing at the fridge eating ice cream straight from the container. I am, instead, simply watching what I eat.

And that makes me grumpy.

Very grumpy.

It’s not simply because I, too, hate brown rice and broccoli. It’s because my husband has no idea whatsoever about how to live with a woman who is, for all practical purposes, on a diet. So I’ve decided to share some tips which I’ll be emailing the man together with a warning that failing to follow them just might result in the loss of life or limb.

1. Do not ask how my diet is going. When I hear that question my brain interprets it as, “It doesn’t look like you’re losing weight. Are you SURE you’re on a diet?” That triggers the cycle of impatience and frustration which leads to those 2 a.m. refrigerator raids.

2. Do not tell me that you’re proud of me for being good on my diet. Yes, I know you think you’re being encouraging and I appreciate the sentiment. But such praise only makes me terrified of letting you down if I slip up and have a bite of chocolate. That kind of guilt is only assuaged by having yet more chocolate, and next thing I know I feel like I’ve disappointed both of us.

3. Do not roll your eyes when I serve ‘diet food’ at dinner. Of course baked fish and a tossed salad with low-fat dressing doesn’t taste nearly as good as a ribeye with a loaded baked potato. Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I’d rather be having steak, too? If you know some other way to achieve weight loss besides dieting, please market it so we can get rich. Until then you, at least, have the luxury of knowing that you can always order a burger tomorrow on your lunch break. So shut up about tonight’s dinner already, ok?

4. Do not snack in front of me. I mean it! I’m fat because I have a hard time saying ”No” to food. You wouldn’t swill from a bottle of beer while visiting someone in alcohol rehab. Don’t eat in front of me. Dieting means having to say no all the time. Not just to second helpings at dinner. Not just to dessert. I have to say “No” every time I pass the cupboard or refrigerator or the snack aisle in the convenience store. Don’t you dare make it more difficult by sitting arm’s length away nibbling on potato chips because I might just start looking for something heavy or sharp that is also arm’s length away.

5. Don’t tell me I deserve dessert as a reward, either. I am not a puppy. I do not need treats. If I do decide to have a treat then I will be the one to choose when I deserve it. The only thing you’re trying to accomplish is getting my permission to eat your hot fudge sundae in front of me. I suggest re-reading that last section if you value the solidity of your skull.

6. Don’t call me cute names thinking you’re being supportive. Coming home and saying “Hi, Skinny!” only makes me wonder if you stopped for Happy Hour after work. I know I’m not skinny. You know I’m not skinny. I know you know I’m not skinny. I also know — as you should, too — that it’s going to take a lot of carrot sticks, sweat and time before I’m skinny again if that ever happens.

7. Don’t ask how my work out was. First, you’re assuming that I did work out at all. If I didn’t, you only made me feel guilty and, once again, that’s best assuaged by chocolate. Second, my brain translates that question the same way as any inquiry into how my diet’s going. All I hear is “When are you going to start looking thinner???”

8. Don’t fix me snacks that you think are healthy. You can’t win on this one. That turkey burger you made me stopped being healthy the instant you threw it in a pan full of oil, long before you slapped mayo on the bun made from processed white flour and topped it with a slice of cheese. I appreciate the thought — and not having to cook for a change — but, really, since you’ve never had to diet let’s just agree that you don’t know the first thing about how to cook something diet-friendly.

9. Don’t walk in on me while I’m working out. If I liked to exercise I’d be thin already. I hate it. I also know that, because I’m not thin, I don’t look nearly as good as those spandex-clad girls on my workout tapes. Don’t walk in while I’m trying to tune out the misery by concentrating on how much I hate those women. All you’ll do is make me self-conscious of how much more of my body jiggles than theirs.

10. Don’t tell me that sex burns calories. Believe me, even with the most frantic activity, two minutes won’t burn off the calories in that cup of broccoli I had for dinner. Oh, and by the way, if you happened to have broken Rule Number 9, you don’t even need to get your hopes up that I’ll be in the mood for a little in-the-sack workout anyway.