Hard as I try to rid my life of them, I’ve got a few Vegan friends. I believe they secretly hope to convert me to their meat-eschewing ways, and thus gladly suffer my not-so-subtle contempt. Little do they know, I’ve got an agenda of my own: sooner or later, their low protein levels will lead them to yawn.

That’s when I’m going to shove a double cheeseburger down their meat-starved throats.

Meanwhile, I can’t help noticing my vegetarian or vegan friends succumb to each and every little virus that wends its way through our town. Sometimes it doesn’t even take a virus to make an appearance: the mere rumor of one is sufficient to put them in bed for two days.

Humankind was meant to eat meat. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t have these pointy teeth known as “canines.” Name me ONE herbivore species that isn’t more prey than predator.

Can’t, can you?