It’s that time of year again: the dreaded allergy season that makes me a prisoner in my own home where the windows and doors are shuttered tight and everyone is reminded — loudly — to take their freaking shoes off rather than track pollen and other allergens into my house.
Not that such measures completely remedy the problem. My eyes are still red and weepy. My nose and ears itch insanely. I sneeze so often and so hard that it’s a wonder I don’t have 6-pack abs.
Personally, I’m convinced that I’m not fat at all, I’m swollen: these flappy thighs and ample abdomen are allergic reactions. Yeah, that’s it. Just so happens I have year-round allergies which cause me to look fat, well, year-round.
Of course, this is the only time of year when I actually get miserable enough to start popping allergy medications like they were Tic-Tacs. Well, maybe not quite that often since medical science has yet to invent an allergy pill that doesn’t leave me groggy, lethargic and with a worse case of cotton-mouth than any hippie ever had.
One thing I do like about allergy pills, though: once you’ve built up a tolerance to them so the suckers don’t knock you out, they do almost as good a job as weight loss pills at appetite suppression. And, sure, they also make it impossible to sit still for more than two minutes at a time and my hands get a bit jittery and I walk around clenching my jaw all day and snapping at people who ask why I’m so edgy because, darn it, I’m not edgy I’m on allergy pills and can’t they tell I’m feeling so much less miserable even if I can’t sleep at night, dammit?!
But, hey, I’m not sneezing so what’s the problem, right?
