On a more frequent basis than I care to admit, I say a little prayer asking God to bless the makers of Preparation H. If you’ve given birth, or ever left a bathroom feeling as if you have, then you know exactly what I mean. It’s the kind of relief to which nothing compares (except, perhaps, finally giving birth or leaving a bathroom feeling as if you have).

I have several tubes of the stuff myself: one in each bathroom, and another in my make-up box. My what??? That’s right: my make-up box. Stuff’s invaluable for shrinking zits and those puffy morning-after bags under your eyes. It’s not the only butt-medicine that does double-duty on the face, either (please, resist the urge to make wise cracks): those Tucks pads they dole out to new mothers are soaked in witch hazel, a well-known natural astringent.

Apparently, Preparation H has another use I’d never heard about until now: body-builders are said to be using Preparation H to shrink fat deposits. Of course, non-butt uses aren’t condoned by the ointment’s makers, but I still can’t help wondering: when the hell is someone going to make a body lotion containing this stuff?!