I Know Why I’m Fat
Sometimes fat has more to do with what’s going on inside a person’s head than what’s actually going into their mouth. After all, it’s not without reason that creamy, cheesy, calorie-dense fare is known as “comfort food”. For some adults — and some children, too, I suspect — eating is a way of appeasing a different kind of hunger, an emotional need more than a physical one.
Granted, not everyone turns to food to make themselves happy. Some turn to gambling or sex, others to drugs and alcohol. There are even some people (much as I do envy them) who turn to exercise as a way to make themselves feel better. Fat people merely show the effects of their own self-comforting techniques, whereas the effects of the other ways are so much more easily disguised.
Sometimes, though, it all starts coming together: a person who’s been struggling with their weight suddenly has an AHA! moment in which they realize that what’s triggering their eating isn’t a desire for food, but some other less obvious desire.
It’s not always about comfort. Sometimes it’s about insulation — from our own inner turmoil, from the stress of daily life, and sometimes even from those around us.
One woman spoke of being plagued by obesity. She described how she worked hard at returning herself to a healthy weight.
She succeeded but now feels much more vulnerable, as if the layers of fat were a suit of armour worn to protect her from the intrusions of the outside world. When she was fat, people gave her a wide berth at the shopping centre; now they brush past her, invading her space and making her feel exposed.
Losing her armour was a double blow, for previously, she could overeat in response to her distress; now she has lost both her protection along with her means of dealing with anxieties that get through her weakened defences.
I can almost pinpoint the exact date on which I began gaining unwanted weight. I’d gone out for the evening and found myself subjected to repeated, aggressive advances from a very drunken man. Although everything turned out all right, it rattled me. It was traumatic enough that I knew I never wanted to go through it again, and afterwards I found myself hypersensitive to the mere threat of similar incidents.
Sure, I could’ve opted to hole up in my house and never worry about those risks. But as a SAHM, I need to get out of the house and socialize with grown ups now and then. Making matters worse, my husband and I didn’t have a reliable sitter: if I went out, I went alone and that meant I continually felt like potential prey for all the whackos out there.
I tried at first to curtail my need for socializing. I went to the library. I window shopped at the mall. I hung out in coffee houses and chatted with those sitting around me until they politely cleared their throats and made a point of turning their attention back to their newspapers or laptops. With my need for social interaction unmet, I began turning to food for comfort.
As the pounds piled on, a strange thing happened: I began growing increasingly “invisible” to all but overweight women and the elderly. Oh, I could order a drink and make a wise-crack that would still bring in a few smiles around a bar, but afterwards I’d be left alone to enjoy my crossword puzzle and martini.
Thanks to fat, I didn’t need to worry about being hit on anymore.
Of course, it’s one thing to realize what caused it and quite a different thing to not just stop the pattern but reverse it. To put the cake down and walk away. To get off my butt and exercise. To say “Ok, jiggle belly and thunder thighs, thanks for your service. You may leave now.” That would require work on my part, after all. Exercise. Self-discipline. Acceptance of temporary deprivations in glad pursuit of an eventual goal.
And what if — I think a small part of my brain wonders — what if I worked that hard at losing weight only to wind up in the same damn situation all over again? What if I, like the woman above, found myself dealing with people invading my space, violating my boundaries? What if I put all that time and work into paring down only to the whole thing happen all again?
Ay, as Hamlet said, there’s the rub.
Hmm…. rub…. ham….
I think I’ll go have a sandwich.
athere’s a whole category of psychology of obesity and it FASCINATES me. (Hi, heal thyself jae?)
Anyway, if there’s a visible issue to address in therapy it generally becomes the focus and a distraction from the real issues. Just like money problems are never about money, weight is very rarely about food.
Comment by jae on September 25, 2007 at 8:34 pmI’ve always found the psychological aspects of weight gain fascinating, even before I gained weight myself. For instance, although a stereotype (and a source for bad jokes), I’ve noticed that many women gain weight after they’re married. I certainly did.
I used to think — back before I was married, and even after I was married but still a then-effortless size 6 — that women gained weight after marriage because they no longer had to ‘compete’ in the singles scene, or else they’d reached a point where they took their lifelong mating for granted and “let themselves go”.
How distinctly I remember swearing that I would never let that happen to me!!!
Now, of course, I realize that there are a LOT of reasons why people gain weight and, as you said, it’s rarely about food. Sometimes it’s childhood abandonment issues triggered by a rocky marriage’s distinct ability to heighten the feeling of insecurity. Sometimes it’s the response to a disappointment in marriage altogether: finding that marriage in practice is wholly different from what they pictured.
Sometimes — and I think this is what sent me spiraling upwards on the scale — it’s a situation where feelings of childhood victimization are recreated in the adult world, but with the potential for far greater impact than ever before.
I know that I hate being fat because I hate walking around in a skin that doesn’t feel like it ought to be mine. I look in the mirror and I can see (even if no one else does) the outlines of how my body used to look.
But I also know that the body I used to have brought me so much unwanted attention and that nearly destroyed my marriage. Being fat ensures that won’t happen again.
It’s one thing to know this, though, and another thing to do something about it.
I do know this: I won’t find my motivation to actually lose weight until I feel that being thin won’t lead to a repeat of that bad experience, and that requires finding the psychological tools and emotional preparedness to make sure I’ll never be in that situation again.
That may not make sense to anyone else, I guess, but it makes perfect sense to me.
Comment by Chubby Mommy on September 25, 2007 at 11:04 pmI’ve also read about these theories you mentioned. It’s true we all have some inner system to defend ourselves from things we are afraid of. Some systems are more effective than others. And I believe, it is always possible to change from one to another. I heard such stories, where people go from one addiction to another… but that also means, it is possible to change to a healthy methods as well, I guess.
Comment by GG on September 27, 2007 at 4:53 amThere is no such thing as change (in behavior) nor does using the word STOP (doing a certain behavior) allow a desired behavioral outcome.
What is missing is the inability for some folks to answer the univeral question of the mind, which is IF NOT THIS (BEHAVIOR), THEN WHAT?
STOP to the human mind is translated to a choice between DEATH or INSANITY and most healthy minds that retain purpose in life, will not accept either of those choices and continue the unwanted behavior.
What I have found that works for me is to accept and not only understand the unwanted behavior but also thank myself for making a behavioral choice (although an undesired one) that allows me to still function day to day in my world. So I do not change (because I have to account for history and the physical reality of what I see looking at in the mirror)
What now can be done after acceptance (of the positive intend of our behavior), is make new choices (not just one).
One more thing, when I make new choices, it is like learning a new language and the systems (family, work, social) I operate in notice the different language (choices) I am using. Most systems want (me) to maintain the status quo (of the system) Most systems (except the additional new ones I use to help with new choices ie AA, support groups) will intensify pressure (on the part of the system that is making new choices) to return to what is familiar to the system. But take heart, after climbing the steep mountain of resistance (internal and from the system) and reaching the peak, what is in the beautiful valley below is acceptance (from self and the systems)
This is why I want to develop the flexibility in always adding new choices (humans have a built in ability to discard the unwanted ones ((choices)) and keep the best at any one particular point in time.
choices, choices and more choices keeps me mentally flexible)
And for the females, please do not ask your male what he thinks about your choices. Men (not just humans with male anatomy) MEN work on one basic premise and that premise is the difference between liking and respect. As a MAN all of my life I’ve be trained to deal with behaviors that I do not like (in work, play, sports, relationships) but what I will not tolorate is disrespect. (and if a man or woman disrepects themselves, I, and most MEN will create distance from that person physically, mentally and emotionally)
So when in making choices (this is both M & F) make sure there is respect for the system (in making a choice)
And one more important question to answer is:
What is the most selfish choice I can make as a human being?
The answer is to forgive (myself and others).
I rise and travel above judging (myself and others) and find that I do not travel alone, my fellow travelers are peace and tranquility.
(It takes a lifetime to come to learn how to accept who is peace and unconditional love)
Comment by Steve (oh my gosh, a man!) on September 27, 2007 at 7:21 amSteve, I do believe you’re correct about forgiveness being the best solution. However, that does take quite a bit of mental work — which I now realize I need to focus on.
As for breaking bad habits or responses, like GZ Expat mentioned, I’ve read that there really is no such thing as breaking a bad habit: it’s more like replacing a bad one with a good one instead.
Comment by Chubby Mommy on September 27, 2007 at 11:42 amActually forgiveness does not take a lot of mental work if the act of forgiveness is fully understood.
When I wrote that forgiveness is the most selfish act a human can do, I really mean it.
Every time anyone truly forgives, the act of forgiveness is like being allowed to take a drink from the fountain of youth. This is due to the phycological and physiological healing that takes place from not carrying the load of nonforgiving.
The unknown secret of forgiveness is that someone doing us something is really an an opportunity to heal ourselves.
The term “kill them with kindness” did not find it’s way in language by accident. We have a choice, confront the “offender” and thereby allow them to expell their nastiness from their core or forgive them and let the nastiness stay inside them. This is how the term “kill them with kindness” came about. What I get from forgiving the nastiness is the healing of my mind and body with peace. The mental work comes not from forgiving but rather coming to terms with peace.
Also, forgiveness is the ONLY WAY of changing another person. If I persist in letting go and allow others to deal with their issues internally, it may take a while, but they eventually will ask themselves the question “What the hell am I doing? They will do one of two things, 1. change themselves or 2. Kill the person who is forgiving them.
Oh yes, forgiveness comes with a warning, Be careful who you forgive, they may have to kill you!
Think about the people in history that were people of peace that have been killed if you doubt what I am saying.
This is a very true statement ” like GZ Expat mentioned, I’ve read that there really is no such thing as breaking a bad habit: it’s more like replacing a bad one with a good one instead”
The secret is how this is done!
Think of having a cup of dirty water that is glued to a table and the table is secured to the floor. Now how would I change the dirty water to clear water? I cannot move the cup nor the table! But what I can do is to introduce a small steady stream of clean water on a consistent basis into the cup and if I persist long enough, the water in the cup will not be changed at all, it will be totally replaced. However, the dirty water still exists somewhere, but where did it go? To tell you the truth, it really doesn’t matter. Just like it really doesn’t matter to the human mind. Because unwanted behaviors are not changed, they just go into memory somewhere and then we can say, I can remember when I smoked, overate, took drugs, but since I slowly introduced new choices and accepted the gains little by little, all of a sudden, I am a cup of clear water!
Look forward to someone doing something nasty to you, it is the only time you get to take that drink from the fountain of youth provided by forgiveness.
Then allow yourself to feel the peace and tranquility.
Oh! And peace is the food that replaces the food!
Comment by Steve (oh my gosh, a man!) on September 27, 2007 at 10:14 pm
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