Food: The Most Difficult Addiction

Ever since that prime rib Christmas dinner I’ve been waddling around in my least-restrictive clothing, miserable and bloated, feeling very much like some fat-riddled sausage crammed into a casing that’s three sizes too small.

That, of course, hasn’t stopped me from sitting down with my family at each and every meal and, although I’ve tried to restrict my portion size, I’ve fantasized about telling my husband and kids, “Oh, Mommy’s not going to join you for this meal. She’s just not hungry.” Unfortunately, that wouldn’t go over with my family and might very well set a bad precedent for my youngest child who’s constantly trying to skip meals in favor of sugary snacks all day long.

So I’ve sat with them. I’ve eaten with them. I’ve left the table feeling like I’m going to explode any second, and I’ve lain in bed at night imagining all the food we’ve had over the holidays turning into a large, fossilized lump in my stomach. That, at least, is what it feels like it’s doing.

I think it was Audrey Hepburn who said, just as she began acknowledging her anorexia, that she resented food. Though I’m about the least likely person to ever become anorectic — I enjoy cooking and eating far too much for that — I certainly do understand her resentment.

People who abuse alcohol or drugs have it, in that sense, a lot more easy than someone who overuses food. They know that breaking the cycle of addiction means going cold turkey, on their own or at one of those drug treatment centers. But with food? You can’t just decide “I’m never going to touch the stuff again.”

You’ve got to have food, got to deal with it at least once every day or so. Then, when you do you’ve got to somehow find the self-control — which you didn’t have just the day before — to know when to stop, when you shouldn’t have one more bite. You’ve got to force yourself not to think about it, not to want it, not to give in to the little voice inside your head that quickly begins screaming “Oh, but I only want ONE little bite of cheese! Please? Just one? C’mon, one bite won’t do any more damage than you’ve already done.”

I’m fasting today. I’m doing it to give my system a break and to hopefully purge that huge mass of holiday food that’s been congealing in my gut for days now. But I’m also doing it to remind myself that I can, that I can just say no to food, even if it’s only for one day.